Dad jokes for everyone!
Dad jokes are corny jokes. Cheesy jokes. The kind of jokes that make you roll your eyes and suppress a smile because you secretly find them hilarious but don’t want anyone to know that.They might not be the kind of jokes you hear comedians spilling in front of the microphone, but they are the perfect way to cheer up your friends when they have had a bad day or to break the ice when you meet someone new.
After all, nothing is better than a sense of humor. Prove you can laugh at yourself and laugh at the world around you. It will make you a more entertaining, fun person to be around. The next time you are in a group setting, make sure you tell these dad jokes to your friends because they are so bad that they are actually good.
The Best Dad Jokes of All Time
1. I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
2. A German man walks up to the immigration desk at Warsaw airport. The immigration officer asks: “Occupation?” The German replies: “No, just a holiday.”
3. A Briton walks up to the immigration counter at the Sydney Airport. The officer asks, “Do you have any felony convictions?” The Briton replies, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that was still a requirement.”
4. Two guys are in a boat with three cigarettes. They had no fire, so they threw one of the cigarettes overboard, and the entire boat became a cigarette lighter.
5. The creator of the knock knock joke should get a Nobel prize.
6. Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub. The first guy says “Let’s go in there for a pint.” Second guy, says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.” First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”
He goes up to the pub, and sure enough the doorman says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.” He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman says, “Ok then, come on in.”
The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the pub, and the doorman says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.” He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman responds, “You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?” The second guy stops for a second, and exclaims, “They gave me a chihuahua?”
7. I always liked “Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?” – “Because it was two tired.”
Because it’s not just a lame pun, but the actual reason bicycles can’t stand up on their own. It’s a whole new level of joke.
8. A blond is at a magical staircase that’s 100 steps high. At the top of the stairs are untold riches, but in order to get to the top, you have to hear a joke from each individual stair and not laugh. If you laugh at any joke, you can’t go any higher. The jokes start off lame, but get progressively funnier.
The first joke comes and the blond is stoic.
Not even a smile.
She get’s to the 99th step and before the step even tells the joke she bursts out laughing.
“Why are you laughing, I haven’t even told the joke!”
“The blond wiped away tears of laughter and replied, “I just got the first one.”
9. A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?”
“Tiny” the man replies.
“What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” “Because…He’s my newt.”
10. A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
11. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? Its very time consuming.
12. Why don’t you ever want to run in front of a car? You’ll get tired. Why don’t you ever want to run behind a car? You’ll get exhausted.
13. What’s the difference between a tuna, a piano, and glue? You can tune a piano, but you can’t piano a tuna. What about the glue? I knew you’d get stuck on that.
14. Is there a hole in your shoe? No… Then how’d you get your foot in it?
15. When is a door not a door? When its ajar.
16. What do you call a midget-psychic that just escaped from jail? A small medium at large.
17. The other day I was driving by a prison and I saw a midget climbing down the wall to escape. When he reached the bottom he sneered at me and I thought, “That’s a little condescending.”
18. Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money? It suffered from withdrawals.
19. What did the right eye say to the left eye? “Between you and me, something smells.”
20. Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
21. What do Kermit the Frog and Attila the Hun have in common? They both have the same middle name.
22. Two hunters are hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly clutches his chest in pain and collapses. The other hunter calls the emergency services on his cellphone. “What is the emergency?” “Operator, my friend just collapsed on the ground. I think he is dead! What must I do?” “OK, first of all, make sure he is really dead.” “OK then…” BANG! “Now what?”
23. A piece of string walks into a bar. Before he sits down the bartender yells “Hey! We don’t serve pieces of string like you!” The piece of string goes outside, ties himself in a bow, and rolls around on the ground for a bit. Then he gets up, goes back into the bar, and sits down. The bartender says “Aren’t you that piece of string?” The string replies “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
24. Bacon and eggs walk into a bar. The bartender said “sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.”
25. In a small town, there were two friars. They were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the friars, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair. He asked them to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So the rival florist hired Hugh, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
26. Kermit the frog went to the bank. He was seated at the desk of loan officer Patricia Wack, who asked him a few questions. “Why should we give you this loan?” “Well, my father is Mick Jagger…” Patricia was unimpressed, “Do you have any collateral?” Kermit reached into his pocket and pulled out a few small figurines. Frowning, Patricia decided to call in her manager. She explained that Kermit wasn’t meeting their criteria, and instead just offering up these irrelevant bits of information and pieces of junk.
Frustrated, the manager pointed to the figurines and exclaimed, “Those are knick-knacks, Patty Wack! Give the frog a loan! His old man’s a Rolling Stone!”
27. My chemistry set blew up, I guess oxidants happen.
28. What do you call a million rabbits walking backwards? A receding hareline!
29. Q: Why do mermaids wear sea-shells? A: Because b-shells are too small and D-shells are too big.
Funny Dad Joke One-Liners
1. I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.
2. If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”
3. Every night at 11:11, I make a wish that someone will come fix my broken clock.
4. I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.
5. Homosexual couples don’t bother me. Their biological children do.
6. I saw you frequent that bar that one time.
7. My aunt never smoked a day in her life. But she did love her cigarettes.
8. I once walked in on my parents while they were in bed. But they were asleep, so I left.
9. The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.
10. I want to see something with the clothed eye.
11. We all sort of live on an island.
12. I can never remember how to spell mnemonic.
13. I’m in low school.
14. I once carved a Jill-o’-lantern.
15. Last week, I picked up a waitress at the bar, and then I put her back down.
16. Pennies are a dime a dozen.
17. I don’t like relationships. I get seasick.
18. From my point of view, all I can see is a point.
19. I once saw a court stenographer transcribe a mime’s testimony.
20. I once found a needle beside a haystack.
21. Did you know that moths can swim the butterfly stroke?
21. I once painted a self-portrait of someone else.
22. I’m just itching to tell you about my allergies.
23. On the sunny side of the street, it’s a little bit warmer.
24. I was listening to some inspirational CDs in the car. They kept telling me to go the extra mile. So I did, and I got lost.
25. The teacher said: “I can’t see my pupils.”
26. My dad told me it was time to hit the sack, so I kicked him in the balls.
27. I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”
28. These aren’t soft and slow rules.
29. Of all the quips on this page, this is definitely the last one.