For the past few weeks, I’ve always felt like something was missing. I’m obviously a creature of habit… who isn’t, right? So when I started to notice the emptiness that managed to spread like wildfire, I knew I messed up big time.
I’m the type of person who complicates things that shouldn’t even be a big deal. I’d say it’s because I feel deeply and my emotions are never steady. But I knew all too well that it’s just a lame excuse I’d often throw to hide the fact that I’m actually scared of taking risk… at least when it comes to relationships.
When you’ve been thrown off the cliff a few times by people you fought so hard to be with, every chance you get to let someone new in your life becomes calculated. The horror of crying your heart out again for a mistake you’ve undoubtedly welcome haunts you. Others may think your being overly dramatic, but it’s your self-worth vanishing into thin air. Can anyone really blame you? It’s not something you will understand unless you’ve actually been there.
But of course, there are instances where in your thoughts go against your better judgment… that’s how it happened between us. I feel sorry for being foolish thinking that I can drag this longer. I feel sorry that I didn’t even notice how I unintentionally took you for granted.
I kept you waiting. I dismissed all the efforts you made. I put off my growing feelings towards you. I had convinced myself that if we are meant to be, we will eventually happen. We will be together.
Now it’s the exact same words I tell myself each and every day that I miss you… it’s the exact same words I use to console my broken heart.
If we were meant to be… you wouldn’t fall in love with someone else.
It’s funny how just two months ago, we were planning for my birthday. Where you’ll take me out for dinner, and where we’ll head to after. I clearly remember how excited you were for something that’s a couple of months away. I didn’t really give much thought to it because I wasn’t even anticipating that your feelings for me will waver… and then she came.
I toil over how someone who had adored you for the past year suddenly loses interest in you… I wonder how easy it is for other people to shift from one person to another. And you know what’s really giving me the heavy heart? It’s the fact that I never admitted it but I knew all this time, I am capable of loving you.
You calling last night, all of a sudden, made me feel elated. I kept thinking that this could be God’s way of teaching me a lesson to value the people that matters. But then my hopes went down as soon as it got up when you made it clear that you only called to straighten things out with me. To tell me that you can no longer be there for me on my birthday… or on any day for that matter. You said you don’t want us to end things on a bad note… but aren’t all endings bad? Do good ones really even exist?
I honestly don’t know what got into me but I suddenly had the courage to ask you what changed. I wished I didn’t even bother though. As soon as I’ve said it, I wanted to take it back.
It struck so close to home when with a slight pause, you said, “She cared.”
It’s as if on cue and someone hit the slate, my eyes became hot and tears started to escape. I literally felt the ache that’s growing in my chest. I was not even able to hide the sobs I’m trying so hard to control. I couldn’t even get myself to feel anger or hatred towards you. The pain is twice the amount I felt from being cheated on, because this time… I knew this was on me. I knew it was my fault.
It took me a minute of silence and “I’m sorry” was all I could muster to tell you before finally ending the call.
Right there and then, I knew I lost you. And even if I wanted to go after you, it’s just a little too late.